Friday, September 30, 2005


LA is now . . . en fuego

Not to stomp on the memory of Dan Patrick's beloved Sportscenter catchphrase, but as you might have heard, the hills above LA are not alive with the sound of music; they're actually, literally on fire. Fabulous.

Our Woman in LA and I are actually just fine at this point. We can smell smoke and burning mountain brush in the air around our house, but other than that, we know about as much as you do from watching the news.

Well, except for a couple of small points:

1) The fires are centered in the Valley community of Calabasas, which also happens to be the capital of the porn world. That's right. All those houses used as backdrops for your run of the mill Vivid Video or Jenna Jameson extravaganza are now in danger of smoke and fire damage.

You now have my permission to start making jokes about flammable lubricants and implants.

2) Though the fires are strongest in the Valley near LA County/Ventura County line, they have spread to other parts of metro LA, as well. Some meat stick set a brushfire up near Burbank last night (making it the closest fire to the Wieland residence). And, of course, someone set a hill ablaze in the impressively named Inland Empire.

As you may recall, the IE makes up most of LA's ex-urbs. The communities where Erin Brockavitch found poison in the well? They're in the IE.

When I was growing up in southern Ohio, we had an area like this, too. We called it Kentucky.

Well, anyway, parts of the IE (near Pomona) are on fire. I saw the smoke myself when I came back from a meeting in the desert last night. But luckily, nobody in the IE has been hurt. According to the local news, the only casualties have been 37 chickens.

That's right. Chickens.

No word yet as to what's happened to the "flame-roasted" chickens. But I have an ugly, ugly feeling that someone in Pomona or Claremont or Montclair or Upland is calling them "good eating" even as I type this.

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