Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Signs of intelligent design in LA

Our Woman in LA and I have a concrete rule of the universe. It goes like this. If someone is coming from far away (say Chicago or North Carolina or whatever) to visit us and have fun in LA, it invariably rains. Which is an amazing bit of karma, given that it's sunny nearly 300 days of the year out here.

But it's true. Last Halloween, Steph's buddy Tara came to visit. Rain. Reggie and Sarah did a thing in Spring. Rain. Brian and Kelsey? Rain. Steph's mom? Pouring rain.

So today, Steph's dad and stepmom arrive at LAX at 12:30. And it's raining.

Immutable law, this Wieland Weather Law of Visiting California. Maybe even proof of a higher power in the universe who thinks its funny to rain on our visitors to the Golden State.

That said, the wife and I are here to stay. Because rain or no rain, we like dwelling in the bluest of all blue states. We like being somewhere that red state conservatives use as a symbol for all the godless, communistic liberalism they fear is gripping our once great nation.

Moreover, though I might see signs of a God with a good sense of irony in this whole rain thing, the whole "Intelligent Design" debate going on really freaks me out. Did you see this today? The State Board of Education in Kansas just voted 6-4 to allow "both sides" of the evolution "argument" to be presented in public schools.

Yup. Grumble grumble grumble. Imagine this. It's 15 or 20 years in the future. Your kid is in his 9th grade science class and some portly guy with a pocket protector (apologies to science teachers everywhere - I'm using the cliche) starts off a lecture like this:

"Now class, today we're going to discuss the argument between godless Darwinism and righteous Intelligent Design. The Darwin side is supported by academics, liberals, and all sorts of so-called scientists, and it involves the way in which human beings (not unlike our Lord and Savior Jesus) were evolved from a series of tadpoles, monkeys and other undiscovered creatures. The other side is supported by one tool who calls himself a scientist at a college in Pennsylvania, not to mention televangelists and most of the population of Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and Oklahoma. That theory is that our gracious Lord God designed the world the way he intended for things. We might have come from monkeys maybe, but if we did, it was part of God's plan.

"Now class, if you can describe one of these theories in a single sentence on the test Friday, you'll get an A. Doesn't matter which one you describe."

If you don't know about all this, check this link:,1,4713279.story?coll=la-headlines-nation

Most horrifying of all for Our Man in LA? The fact that his home state of Ohio is the only state in the union to have already put together a lesson plan for teaching this so-called debate. Other states following the Buckeye state's lead include New Mexico and semi-blue states Minnesota and Pennsylvania. Is it possible that only hardcore blue states are immune from this hogwash?

This leaves Our Man in LA one choice regarding his extended family: begging them to leave home and not look back.

Please, please, please, Red State Wielands, Gerharts, Glazers and Singers! Please! Leave the red states behind. No more Ohio, North Carolina, Indiana . . . those places might have made America great once, but now look at this mess! Do you want future generations listening to Brooks & Dunn and talking Intelligent Design nonsense?

There are many, many nice places in the blue states! Portland and Seattle are nice, too! Go to Chicago if you want (but stay out of the rest of Illinois). Or Boston or Providence. Or one of those suburbs outside New York.

Please! Sacramento's not that different from Columbus! Really! Well, probably.

And when you leave, don't look back. You know what happened to those folks who took a last look at Sodom and Gomorrah!

See, we liberals can use Bible references, too.

Since I'm the only family member who's made a completely rain-free visit to LA, and as the only family member who lives in a blue state, let me give you a quick thought.

As far as the theory of intelligent design, it strike me a bit funny that according to the dictionary -- I have bookmarked at the top of my favorites -- a theory is the analysis of a set of facts in their relation to one another. Key word is fact, not until you get down to the 4th definition, anyhoo. So, it seems that all this nonsense is based on a technicality. If red politicians can created stupid terms like "weapons of mass destruction" why can't blue politicians coin the term "conjecture of intelligent design" or use irony to point out that republican LIBERAL arts majors have "forsaken" proven scientific fact?
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