Thursday, December 08, 2005


At last! Someone else remembers the real BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Unless you've been living under a rock (or possibly a huge snow and ice bluff, as with many of my Midwestern brethren), you know that one of the big movie to-do's of the Christmas/Hanukkah season is BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, the sweet, sensitive story of two gay cowboys in love in the rough terrain of the American west.

The wife can't wait to see it. Our Woman in LA can't get enough of that Jake Gyllenhal or whatever his name is. She thinks that Heath Ledger's pretty cute, too. Thinks the movie will be awesome.

I'm less than lukewarm on it.

It's not because I'm homophobic. I'm fine with gay cinema. I thought JEFFREY was hilarious. GODS AND MONSTERS was great. I dug HIGH ART. PHILADELPHIA was OK. So were MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO, THE CRYING GAME, and MA VIE EN ROSE.

It's not that I don't like the stars (though Our Man in LA's not all that excited about movies featuring either Jake or Maggie Gyllenhal).

It's that I can't get all the jokes out of my head.

For example, this week in the brilliant cartoon THE BOONDOCKS, a fussy, angry grandpa is going to see BROKEBACK because he craves "manly entertainment, not all this sissy stuff". Of course, he's in for a surprise, but it's got me laughing.

You can read those strips here:

More than that, though, there's this problem. If and when I see BROKEBACK, the voice in my head, talking all throughout the film will belong to SOUTH PARK'S own Eric Cartman. As David Edelstein, the movie critic on, also remembers: "Cartman on South Park famously dismissed independent movies as 'gay cowboys eating pudding.'"

Actually, Cartman went further. When challenged on this notion by his buddies, he responded: "You a$$holes find me one independent movie that's not about gay cowboys eating pudding".

Later in the episode, the kids went to the first South Park Film Fest, where the film they watched included this exchange . . . between two cowboys:

Cowboy #1: Well, I've finished my pudding.

Cowboy #2: Yeah. Me too.

Cowboy #1: Let's explore our sexuality.

And there you have it, folks. I just don't think that I could keep a straight face during this movie. I'd be wondering about when the pudding's coming, what flavor it'd be, whether it comes in those little plastic cups or whether they make it over an open fire.

I've explained this to Our Woman in LA, but she hasn't seen the episode, so she doesn't really understand the agony I'd experience as Jake and Heath explore their squishy feelings for one another.

Of course, she's not really a South Park fan, either, so my explanation of the problem sort of falls on deaf ears.

But really. Who wants to be the jerkwad in the back of the theatre who's snickering away as Jake and Heath whisper sweet nothings to each other?

You should have seen the looks I got during APOLLO 13, when I realized that Ed Harris was playing the same role that Lloyd Bridges did during AIRPLANE. The Astronauts are facing almost certain death, and I'm laughing at jokes from another movie: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

Heh. That one still gets me.

So yeah. Looks like I'm in trouble when it comes time to see this flick. Maybe if I have a snack with me, I can quiet my laughter throughout the film. And no one will know that I'm such an insensitive goofball.

Yeah. That's it. A snack might do the trick.

You know, like some pudding.

I totally remember that South Park episode!

I am totally laughing my ass off!

I can totally not see that movie now!
too funny. who knew cartman could be so prophetic?

Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?