Well, probably not. But anyway, here's the story.

So Our Woman in LA calls me at work (also known as the home office) this morning when she's on her commute. "Did you hear the news?" she asks.

"What news?" I ask. Because maybe I did hear it. I read about the dolphins they found in the Sea of Japan that have flippers so large that scientists believe they're remnants of rear legs from the time when dolphins WALKED ON THE LAND.

But it's not that news.

"The big news," she said. "About DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES."

I don't watch DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, and I hadn't heard.

"They're talking about it on the radio this morning," she said. "I guess a lot of the characters were held at gunpoint in a supermarket on last night's episode, and one of them got shot and killed."

"Which one?" Because even though I've never seen the show, I've seen all the housewives displayed on the cover of FHM and MAXIM. You know, at the 7-11 counter. Our Man in LA doesn't buy that stuff, he just . . . never mind.

"I don't know which one. Can you look it up for me?"

So I did. It was some character named Nora, played by an actress not frequently on he cover of FHM. The same actress, for what it's worth, also doesn't date Michael Bolton, an NBA star, or Seacrest, Clooney, or any number of other people she's been linked to in the media. She also hasn't been nominated for an Oscar for playing someone transgender.

None of this is the actress' fault. I'm sure she was great, and if you watch the show, you'd know better than I would. Oh, and she got killed by Laurie Metcalf, the Steppenwolf actress who also appeared on the sitcom ROSEANNE. When did she get on that show? I'm not sure. ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reports that she wore pearls during the attack and praises the irony of having the character do that.

Um, OK.

So what's the point, Wieland? Is that what you're asking?

I don't know that I have one. I guess if I did have one it would be, how on Earth did I get so far behind the pop culture curve that this factoid had no resonance for me at all? When did I fall behind? I live in SoCal, for God's sake!

It's the biggest thing since "Who Shot J.R.", the radio said.



This is J.R. Ewing. Pretty cool ascot, huh?

And I did see those "Who Shot J.R." episodes, even living back in Ohio. It was Kristin, who was Sue Ellen's sister, with whom J.R. was having an affair. But then, he had a lot of affairs.

Sooooo . . . I guess I'm not arguing with Seacrest or whomever that it's the biggest thing since Larry Hagman took a couple in the chest, but if it is, then I'm way behind. Pop culture has spun beyond me . . . and before I reached the end of the essential 18 to 49 demographic. The horrors.

So update me, everyone. What else did I miss? Is Paris Hilton still annoying? Are aging baby boomer rock stars still doing expensive reunion tours? Are people still whining about the new James Bond?

Sigh. Does this mean that I have to start watching DANCING WITH THE STARS? I would normally make a LOST joke here. But that's getting a little tired. Back on subject, do I have to watch GREY'S ANATOMY or GHOST WHISPERER (is that still on?)?

Otherwise, how will I ever keep up with these SHOCKING! cliffhangers? How will I know what's going on when there's a VERY SPECIAL anything?

And how will I live with myself if I can't keep up?

Oh, it'll probably be fine. But just in case, I went online and asked J.R. Ewing himself how I could live like this. You can do it too at a site called: http://www.ultimatedallas.com/characters/jrquotes.htm. It generates quotes from J.R. and other major characters from DALLAS.

J.R.'s response: "Oh, Barnes, you get dumber and dumber every day."

But my name is Chris. And it's . . .

Whatever. Now I know why they shot you, J.R. Probably that Nora girl, too.