Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Not a Top Five, not a Bottom One, but Some Much Needed Answers

If I were any kind of consistent blogger at all (which I'm not), I would have been back yesterday with a typical Tuesday Top Five. I probably could have pulled one off, too, but I just didn't get to it.

No good excuses, no flashy punchlines. It was just a busy day. Sorry. Feel free to contact our complaint department. Seems to me I have their address around here someplace . . .

Anyway, if I'm not going to have the Top Five, I shouldn't have the Bottom One. Because, you see, that would be unbalanced. And while that might work for our friends at Fox News, we Californian types like yoga, wine, nice weather, and balance in the universe.

What I do have is something better! That's right! It's the answers to Our Man in LA's Conservative Call-Out, dispatched earlier this week. We have real answers to my questions from a real conservative! And not just any real conservative, but one who lives in the Bible Belt of the American Southeast!

Beat that!

All right, fine, the answers are from my father-in-law. He's the only conservative who wrote in, which probably means I've disgusted the rest of them.

But in case you were wondering . . . here's them answers!

Yesterday I wrote the following:

I invite anyone - ANYONE - to write in and explain to me how they believe any of the following:

1) That evolution is a myth, or at the very least a theory no less supported than creationism. Anyone who believes the world is 6,000 years old or that man and dinosaurs lived together is invited to explain this to me. Seriously. No joke.

CONSERVATIVE RESPONSE: There is proof. I submit . . . THE FLINTSTONES. How about that, hippie?!

So noted. Professors Hanna and Barberra are among the finest scholars of our time, though I never cared much for Bam Bam. Pebbles was too good for him. I'm just sayin'.

Then I wrote:

2) That we as a country would really be better off with less gun control than what we have now. I read a columnist online who suggested that the Virginia Tech massacre wouldn't have happened if we had fewer gun controls in the US. His reasoning was that if more people were packing heat, that fewer violent criminals would do anything less than law-abiding. Really? Explain this to me. Seriously. No joke.


That's right! "Dem town peoples sure took care of dem bad guys!"

Uh . . . OK. Bit of a non-sequiter, but no more or less so than a column written by Ted Nugent and carried on calling for no gun control at all.

Then I wrote:

3) That global warming is not caused by carbon emissions, and that it's a theory put out there to discredit the oil companies and steal money from big business. Or something. Seriously. No joke. Explain it to me.


I would, honestly. If you weren't grilling up endangered species . . . I know baby seal tastes like chicken, but so does chicken.

And then:

4) That Iraq is working. Or that Al Qaeda and Saddam were linked at all. Seriously. No joke.


Heh. Have to say that I sort of expected this one.

And then finally . . .

5) BONUS FOR THE LIBERALS! If you believe, like Charlie Sheen and Rosie O'Donnell, that the Bush administration engineered 9/11, I'd welcome learning more. Seriously. Explain it to me. Probably no jokes.

CONSERVATIVE RESPONSE: You got me on this one.

Yeah, you got me, too. Nice to find something we agree on.

So everyone clear?

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